Hell & Back

I’ve continued on tortured, thinking of something to write, something amazing to catch reader’s eyes and today it hit me – who gives a shit?
When I started this blog, of coarse I had a goal – I wanted to let the world know about my transition from a small town to a big city. And now that I’m back in my small town, the objective changed. I wanted to write informative posts that would help people figure stuff out like how to make their curls bounce and ways to start a year off as a “better you.” In reality, I really don’t care too much about that stuff.
I often hear when the topic of writing comes up to “write what you know.” Well I’ve decided to do just that.
Right now there are very few things I actually know for certain. I know that I am 19 and have already survived a failed marriage. I know that hard work does pay off, maybe not instantly, but eventually. And I know that the easiest way to be happy is to learn forgiveness.
Now I know these are not things many people can relate to, but the thing is – this is my blog. Not theirs. So basically this blog is now a “No F*cks Given Zone” because I don’t give a… well you get the point.
This time last year, I thought the worst thing in the world was having a slob for a roommate and liking maybe five different guys and not having any of them like me back. This year I am now worried about filing taxes as a newlywed. On that final plane ride home, the only thought repeating in my head was “I am a failure.” I really thought that I would be the biggest joke in one of the smallest towns, and I would never be able to get over being 19 and a terrible wife. It took a few weeks of barely talking to anyone, some days binge watching Netflix and not leaving my bed, and the most amazing family support to realize that, when they say life goes on, it literally does. I couldn’t spend days moping around my bedroom, crying over what went wrong for forever. So I did what most people my age are good at ; I plastered on a smile, pretended everything was okay, and went back to my life of working and being a typical 19 year old female. But as soon as I returned home from work, I would continue to analyze every moment of my marriage, diagram every fight and every bad day, recall warning signs and redo moments in my head of how it should have been. I was angry, I was hurt, I was devastated. I really started to believe that this was something I would never be able to recover from as long as I was still in someway connected to this person.
And that’s when I realized I had to do one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to do in my 19 years of living. I had to forgive someone that wasn’t sorry for the pain they had caused. I had to accept the fact that everything happens for a reason, and that although it felt like the world was crashing down on me, it was actually being filled with color again.
The hard part was mostly forgiving someone that wasn’t sorry. You know when someone says sorry but they don’t actually mean it? Like they just say it so that you’ll stop bringing it up? That’s how all his apologies were during our marriage. And I had to just process that, even though he may never be sorry for how bad he hurt me, I had to forgive him because that was the only way I could let go. And of coarse some days, I hear a song and get teary eyed thinking of a moment when all the good seemed to out-weigh all the bad and I get a little pang in my stomach, but I still believe that everything happens for a reason.
My brother once pointed out while I texted him, waiting for my plane, I have a talent for finding the good in the bad. Although my toxic, short term marriage did some damage to my relationships with loved ones and my bank account, it also helped me tune into some good vibes.
For one, I learned an important lesson on a self-love. During my time in San Diego, I lived in a house where going to the gym was more important than going to church. On a day to day basis, I often had a different part of my body analyzed and criticized until I saw nothing but 5’6″ worth of disaster. I did go into that house, and that relationship, with an extremely low self esteem, so being with someone that magnified my insecurities definitely made it worse.  I spent hours at the gym, more time figuring out what I could and could not eat rather than actually eating, and being shown pictures of what I should look like rather than being admired for the beauty I already possessed. With my spouse, I was an insecure mess. But something switched the first moment I looked in the mirror without him by my side. I saw all the hard work I put in at the gym, I saw the clear skin my clean diet had blessed me with, I saw me staring at someone beautiful. It took some time to get used to but now I can’t help but stare at myself in the mirror for a few more seconds each morning while I wonder “who would ever let go of someone so beautiful?”
So although I may get pity for being the young and naïve girl, that fell in love too fast and got her heart broken (and some may even say ruined her life,) I don’t think I would change much of anything that happened over the last few months, because I learned so much from it.
And although I can’t write about new SoCal places I explore, and most days I don’t really know what I’m going to do with my life now that I am free and have unlimited options- I can finally say that I am happy again. I spend less hours overanalyzing what went wrong, and more time planning what’s next. Some days may be harder to get through than others, and I may be more hesitant the next time I let someone into my heart, but I have never been so grateful to have had a toxic relationship.  Now that I’ve had someone not love me the right way, I know I’ll appreciate it so much more when someone loves me the right way. I also learned that forgiveness is one hell of a thing, especially when no one is asking for it.
So maybe my objective at this point is a little fuzzy, and for now I just have to take things day by day- but I’m glad I learned there’s more to freeing myself from Freeland than just changing my zip code.
Until next time,
xo Bri
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